For me anxiety means that I rehearse conversations hundreds of times in my head before they happen. I consider everything I could say and every possible response. This means that from the moment I first considered writing a blog to now the first few sentences have been whirling around my head on repeat. I figured if I write them down then my anxious mind will be free to overthink something else.
I have a few reasons for wanting to write a blog. Firstly, my wonderful dad asked me what I was anxious about when I opened up to him about my mental health over Christmas, but I felt unable to answer. That vitally important conversation about mental health that I would encourage others to have is probably the one conversation I hadn’t really rehearsed because its so bloody hard to explain. Anxiety for me doesn’t mean I am anxious about specific things or events, instead its more like having a mind that whirls like a hamster running on acid, determined to get to the end of its ball while wearing white at a wedding. So, in this blog I’ll explore anxiety and the forms it has taken in me and also try to rope some mates in who suffer as well to share our stories so those who love us can understand where our heads are at.
Secondly, tonight is the first night of my Anxiety workshop. I have been on an NHS waiting list for a little while now and want somewhere to store what I learn so that in the future I can reread it and hopefully get some tips for self soothing. Please bare in mind though, I don’t really know what I am talking about and have had no formal training at all. If you read this and recognise some traits from your own mind please go to your doctor and tell someone you love.
Ok, so the first thing to share with you is that my anxiety means that on some days I know that I am going to die at some point before bed time. I should stress that I do not want to die, not at all, but I could be walking the dog, driving to work, putting on the kettle and realise that, oh shit, its going to be today. I know it as certainly as I know my own name. I then wonder if I should call people to tell them I am going to die but worry I’ll scare them or they’ll think I’m being a drama queen. I wonder if there is anything I could do to control it, if I should stay away from certain people in case they die too or what my dog will do if it happens when we’re out.
Unsure how to follow that, but I guess that is one of the reasons why I am getting help.
Jen
Overthinking Anxiety 
I love your honesty and your bravery, and I love your complete bare openness with this. I hope tonight goes well, I’ve signed up for your next posts whenever they come along, and I think this is a great idea for a blog that a lot of people will really feel they can relate to and find helpful to know there are others out there, even the ones that seem as strong and unstoppable as you, that have days they need to lean on other people. Thanks for sharing x
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Well done Jen, i have found writing things down helpful, it can give some form to the hamster wheel thought processes that go nowhere and help you navigate through them. Sending love for the journey xx
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